When I decided to update here again and more frequently (that probably doesn’t make sense if you aren’t in my head–at least not the sense I want it to make) I promised myself I wouldn’t get all whiny, but fuck that. What am I doing with my life? I’m 30 minus something (www.soleone.org), work a deadend job in the service sector, have not career future and try to sell stupid little zines.
Where did this come from? The East Bay Zinefest. It was kinda awful for me. It didn’t feel like a community. I know how much my own isolationism contributes to this, but I did also try to reach out some too and that didn’t go very well. I felt like a museum display or an idea generator. No one was there as a consumer (I know my political standpoint kinda makes that a hypocritical sentence). People came up, looked, asked where the inspiration came from and left, as though they were trying to get their own ideas from mine. I know my ideas are clever, nauseatingly so. I know seeing a 2-sided story should trigger an impulse to buy. That didn’t happen though. I got rid of one Separated and that was only because I shoved it into someone’s hands. Wes sent me girlcrazy to give away and I had trouble doing that. Okay, so that seems like I’m taking pity on myself. Here’s this then: Emily Alden Foster (no website) has a zine called Cross my words and hope to _____(verb). It’s stories, poems, art, madlibs and crosswords all rolled into one. It’s batshit-crazy awesome. Like possibly one of the most original and genius ideas I’ve ever heard. She sat behind me and I didn’t notice many people buying her zine (I did even though I’m crossword stupid). It was $6 and was worth every penny. Emily sat next to me and sold only glow-in-the-dark stickers, and only 4 or so at that.
I had problems with the event, yes, but more so, I have problems with myself. It’s hard to admit, but I think I’m good at this. I want to be noticed. (Those may or may not be related.) I do think I’m clever and I do think that if I were a consumer and saw what I had to offer I would buy my stuff (pronoun problems!). I question why I do all this work if nothing will come of it. I did a new issue of I Hate My Job just for the Zinefest. I made 20 copies. I still have 15 (which doesn’t count #1, which I kept for myself) (oddly #20 and #8 are missing: holler at me if you want a lower/different #). Getting rid of 4 of them is more than I thought I did. I feel a little better now.
I’m just afraid that the way things are is the way things will always be. I want to be noticed, but don’t want to say, “look at me.”
Does that all seem ungrateful? I hope not. I’m trying to say that the problem lies with me. I actually really appreciate the opportunity that RPS gave me. I just wish I was different/better
Tags: Consumerism, East Bay Zinefest, zines
